Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Musing the muse

This past weekend, my grandmother, after two and a half weeks bedridden and confined to her hospital and physical rehab rooms was able to walk. Albeit with the aid of a walker, her mobility returned in quiet fashion. I hope that I can show compassion towards her. There is an old saying from Japanese samurai: when you win the battle, tighten your chin strap.

I do not like where I am now with my grandma's situation. Specifically, I don't like the fact that I have to skulk the line between supporting her and cheering her on, and being strict with her when she becomes demanding. Yes, she must learn to be independent more than ever. Yes, she must defeat the devil of illness on her own. Even when she is in pain, I encourage her to do everything on her own. Otherwise, when she returns home, all she will do is lie around and give in. But, it's also easy for me to respond to her with my own F.D. Slinking and skulking around this minefield becomes tiresome. Then, it is up to me to reinvigorate myself, and find the joy of supporting my grandma, to cheer her on as she takes every step.

The most difficult thing is now that I have a lot more responsibility, I can't spend too much time with my grandma. If I let my responsibilities slip, at work or in the gakkai, I am done. I don't want to give up anything, but if I constantly tire myself out, this will become a dangerous situation for me, risking job, life and activities. There have been times recently where I feel like I am at the precipice of a mental, emotional breakdown. I can feel my body reacting to the sleep time lost, the continual efforts of using my hands and the apathy that brews and quells thousands of times in a day.

Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I sat outside, in the winter air, staring at the gibbous moon, conversing with nature. Finding myself awakened by the presence of the stars, I refreshed my determination. I want to grow in every direction of my life. I feel like a bean; I've expanded my life into many directions but fail to take side steps of growth. Beans are just seeds for further growth. Just as the sun shines on the cold and rigid walls of towers scratching the skies, does it not also shine on the unseen seeds deep within the fertile soil, and into the darkest crevasses of the human heart. The sun rises and sets in the valleys as well as the peaks.