I have to apologize because, as a junior academic, I am not citing sources, a gross lack of proper conduct. I must say that if I do see it proper, I will write a better more informed and documented piece.
With that said, damn you Ronald Reagan! Regardless of your political affiliations, you must admit that Reagan's likeability, and hence vote-getting appeal, was the strength of his two presidential campaigns. One of his strong and growing constituents of his time was the evangelical vote, a much more dormant voting group. While his election was not the impetus for awakening the evangelical vote--Roe v. Wade did that--his campaign was the first to capitalize on the political agency of the evangelical vote. And while I feel that the evangelical vote was far more conservative that Reagan was personally, it was his presidential campaign that gave a growing voice to this voting group. Think the source and root of the tea party as a political entity.
We are now seeing the repercussions now, as more conservative evangelical political leaders make headlines at local, state, and federal levels of government, as they lead the legislative, executive, and judicial push for mysoginistic (anti-abortion, womens reproductive health bills and laws), discriminatory (anti-gay marriage, legalizing discrimination, Arizona-style immigration policies), anti-health care reform, anti-internet neutrality (because the internet represents sin and heathenism), and the promotion of white, evangelical model of a good American (in the singular).
Reagan didn't wake this beast. No, but he gave it a good, hearty breakfast for a long day of ideological rampage on the diversity and its unique quality of peoples navigating their ways in agreement and in contention with other peoples.
I love Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson's response to the question of parenting, education policy and scientific literacy. Overall, this is a great video.
Just like what Mitch Hedberg said about children and books, we need to allow children to have full use of their own personal creative faculties. This is how I want to parent my future children.
I've been watching these videos. Genki Sudo, a former MMA fighter in Japan, is now leading a group of dancers called "World Order" as well as being the creator/co-creator of the music. :)
I will be posting these in order of when he posted them. Please know that these are the ones I like, and not all of the ones on his youtube channel.
:)
This first one is my favorite dance:
Next:
The next one is another favorite. There is some trippy pop & lock, and tutting in this video:) It closely resembles IaMmE's brain-banging style:
The next one. This is a modified dance from the one that made them initially popular on youtube. You will see that one as my last video posted:
Next, we have a remake of the original (like I said about the previous one, it will be posted last):
Next, we have another fun one. I wonder if you can take away any dating tips o_~ :
Next, this is by far my favorite one. It isn't my favorite dance or my favorite song, but I feel like this is the best dance paired to a song. It gets kinda religious and spiritual, with a little bit of comedy at the end:
And now, finally, the original video. I love this song (by far my favorite song of Genki Sudo), and it's really, really cute to watch the children to the left in the shots with Tokyo Tower in the background. :) :
I think that woman at the end of the video recognizes him as Genki Sudo, the fighter. :)
Anyways, I wanted to post these for your enjoyment. :)
"This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and even it can
inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined
to use it to those ends. Otherwise it's nothing but wires and lights in a
box. There is a great and perhaps decisive battle to be fought against
ignorance, intolerance and indifference." - Edward R. Murrow
With these words spoken by Edward R. Murrow not long after his battle with Senator Joseph McCarthy, though he spoke of the power of the television, the internet is now the tool in which we teach, illuminate and inspire. Today marks an important day for content creators and providers, and with their protest against the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and Protect IP Act (PIPA) in the two houses of the United States Congress, the protestors shifted the language and the space the bills now negotiate in the public domain.
I took interest in SOPA in the middle of November, thinking initially that it is an imposing act. What I learned then was that PIPA was a similar bill proposed earlier in the year on the Senate floor. SOPA, then, is in fact the sister bill on the House of Representatives floor. In November, I began opposing the bills.
What one has to understand is that there are layers to this bill. First, and foremost, I believe that the majority of Americans insist that it is unethical/unmoral to steal and to pirate content. I too believe this. This is one purpose of PIPA and SOPA in which I agree.
But while this agreed space is important, the bills also pose a greater threat to content creators and providers. This is where I oppose the bills, like many at Wikipedia, Google and Facebook. PIPA and SOPA also places the burden upon the content creators and providers to police themselves. If they do not, the government and media lobbyists and representatives could close down entire sites for infringing upon copyright. As well, search engines would be required not to list sites that break copyright laws.
Once a site is flagged as breaking copyright, the burden of proof falls upon the content providers and creators. In simple terms, that means that if one blogger on blogspot, tumblr, myspace, facebook, twitter or youtube broke copyright, it would be that user or sites' responsibility to demonstrate that either the copyrighted material is removed or that the material is, in fact, not under copyright.
With this comes unintended consequences. It would be a shut down of the internet. I believe that under the SOPA and PIPA limitations, the internet would become a place where all materials shared become questionable. The potential of the internet is the ability to share, because the human experience and the personal experience are shareable and relatible. Edward R. Murrow rightfully believed that the dangers of television was that it held the power to insulate viewers from realities deemed too violent, too real and too multilateral. With the growth and expansion of the internet, viewers held the power also to become creators and sharers of ideas and intentions. The lobbyists of the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) and the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), who are the most vocal proponents of PIPA/SOPA limitations, are not only wanting to change the agency of copyright policing, but also the agency of the internet as a whole.
Here is a different perspective on the opposition from Clay Shirky at ted.com. (FYI, I wouldn't be able to embed this ted.com video under PIPA and SOPA).Professor Shirky shares a great background on the history of copyright policies about internet content.
What I believe is the right course of action is to strengthen copyright laws, including a strengthening of the penalization of copyright infringement. End users who infringe upon copyrights should be the ones who the government penalizes. But for those who create and want to share information, ideas and content over avenues like facebook, google, twitter and youtube without the powers of copyright they should be free to do so without threat. The facebooks and googles of the world should not threatened to be shutdown because their hundreds of millions of users infringe upon copyright.
The radio and the television were mostly a unidirectional medium. Their viewers and listeners were consumers. The internet is an amalgamation of consumers, creators and people who share inspirations, making the internet a collection of users in a omnidirectional medium. The lobbyists of the RIAA and MPAA wants to make the internet to be a place of consumers, and only consumers, just as it was with radio and television. With the emphasis on "net neutrality", I believe that the internet is now a tool to create, for creativity is what can teach, illuminate and inspire. SOPA and PIPA forces the internet to become the new television, the television that Edward R. Murrow disliked.
So, it seems like I make it customary to write one of these every birthday. One could not be more eventful than last years, but I feel like this past year since my grandmother's return warrants new perspectives and insight covering my life.
2011 was about change. This past year was the first year since returning to Colorado that I felt that I began heading towards my mission in the History profession. But it was not the first year of challenging the inner faith I hold tightly clung to my breast.
The expression, "the only constant is change" by Heraclitus of Ephesus, only begins to explain this year. More interestingly, I learned in my Native American History course that many times, historians argue, people create change to remain constant. Arguably, FDR created New Deal fiscal policies in order to maintain capitalism. He did not necessarily believe ideologically in a mixed economy, or more extreme, a socialist economy. Rather, he made took those steps to maintain the strength of Capitalism. Certain Native American tribes were more receptive to American assimilationist policies, because their change brought security and preservation. In my personal life, I learned that at times, human revolution is about changing in order to survive. I don't believe that human revolution is solely adaptation, but at times in our lives when certain difficulties arise, adaptation is the greatest action we can take. From that, we must grow. The dark side of adaptation is complacency, so I must continue to grow.
When I started my graduate studies at UMass Boston, I felt resistance with the first steps, as I quickly had to address course materials at a level I did not have before at Soka. It took half of the semester to get my bearings in line, but once I was geared properly, I took off. At the end of the semester, I had a 3.85 gpa, with 2 A's and 2 A-'s. And now, I am better prepared for the battles ahead.
With the end of work, and the start of school, I still found many deep-seeded sources of negativity. One of the greatest, reoccurring sources of negativity was my grandmother's death. It was not the death itself that caused negativity, rather it was how I was ill-prepared for the karma that comes with being someone at their death. In my own negativity, remembering my grandmother felt burdensome. If someone asked me what my memories are of my grandmother, the most recent memory comes first. That memory is the final moments of her life. The chill in that January air, the morning set just before work, the sight of her passing--these are all etched well into my memory. And while this at times appeared as a burden, the first memory is definitely not the most important. I had a great three final years with my grandmother, memories of driving her around when she could no longer drive, of the time we spent chanting together when I was on the job hunt, of the moment when I felt the purest form of appreciation I've ever felt as she laid in the ICU bed just after her heart attack.
And so, my greatest realization in my 25th year is that, yes, a certain part of love is having the composure to support and comfort someone in their final moments. Equally important, the karma carried with witnessing a passing is a responsibility, a calling. Making the negative functions born from death into something positive is a life-long mission. This responsibility is another aspect of love. Remembering my grandmother's death was at times traumatic, but remembering my grandmother before her death bed invigorates me. Overcoming all traumas is nothing more than the love I hold for my grandmother, for my love of her is life-long. One year ago today was my grandmother's homecoming. This year, today is my own homecoming from Boston, but also, my own new-found sense of love and responsibility. It is with this that I begin thinking about the relationships I hold with friends and family now, and into the future. In my 26th year of life, I have many goals, but nothing could be more important than expanding my understanding of love.
Losing faith requires us to find faith. Everyday, I find myself losing faith in myself, in my abilities. My lesser self is constantly challenged by questions of how much longer can I last? How many more times do I have to do this? When can I exercise every aspect of my life, bringing it to fruition?
And yet, the most difficult lens of perception is the one that says that you already do exercise every aspect of your life, as long as you challenge the obstacles in front of you. Overcoming obstacles does not necessarily mean you develop callouses over points of vulnerability, shame, lesser thinking, and apathy. Rather, often these wounds need to be healed not only by the usual means, but also the love and respect for oneself that never existed before. That experience can be truly liberating. Evil karma hurts. But lost faith brings greater pain.
I have more to say about what I've been facing in my academics, but since it's finals season, and I have to go paper topic hunting, I will leave that for the after-semester reflections. So, I leave you with this quote from the gosho. Nichiren states in "The Daimoku of the Lotus Sutra",
"Diamonds are so hard that almost no substance will cut them, and yet
they can be cut by a sheep’s horn or a turtle’s shell. The limbs of the
nyagrodha tree are so stout that the largest birds can perch on them without breaking them, and yet they are vulnerable to the tailorbird,
which is so tiny it could almost build its nest on the eyelashes of a
mosquito. Here, our evil karma is analogous to the diamond or the
nyagrodha tree, and the daimoku of the Lotus Sutra, to the sheep’s horn
or the tailorbird. Amber draws dust, and a magnet attracts iron
particles; here our evil karma is like the dust or iron, and the daimoku
of the Lotus Sutra is like the amber or the magnet. If we consider
these [analogies, we can see why] we should always chant
Nam-myoho-renge-kyo."
So last night, I was feeling too lazy to cook, so on my way back home, I picked up a delicious cajun burrito from Boloco (Boston Local Company), a burrito shop local to the Boston area. As the person making my burrito works on my food, he started saying, "Look, a s*ik just walked in" (I am referring to a racial epithet for Mexicans and Mexican-Americans). I hope he didn't use that in front of me, referring to me as a Mexican American, but more troubling was the ease with which he used the term. Though I don't know his racial or ethnic background, he mentioned his "blackness." He continued to use the term s*ik a few more times before I took my burrito home.
Immediately, two things came to mind. First, memories of being called a "Jap" during my elementary and high school years flooded me. Which brings me to what I felt afterwards--disappointment. It's becoming clear to me how difficult it is for people to reveal their greatest self. This notion of a greater self, it rolls off the tongue easier than it takes to move forward with it pragmatically. And yet, as a Nichiren Buddhist, I cannot help but feel that I too possess this potential to be just like him. I hope I never reveal that ignorance in my life. I work strenuously to reveal the devil within, so that I can crush any motivation to turn to that ignorance.
Hi everyone. Sorry I've been way out of the loop on this blog. For the longest time, I had no muse for my musings, a writer's block shackled by a lack of creativity and ingenuity.
I wanted to share something that's been on my mind since starting graduate school at UMass Boston.
I am continuing research in American Indian (Native American) history, and more recent historiography (how historians perceive/write history) focuses much time and energy on the concept of identity. And so, this is today's muse.
The words "heritage" and "heredity" share the same Latin root, hereditat, meaning heir or inheritance. Ostensibly, heritage and heredity are one in the same. In the modern English lexicon, both have a connotation of being backward looking--a perspective of looking into the past--though more so with "heritage." The concept of personal identity is often looked through this lens. Person(s) commonly identify with a lineage based the branches of the family tree. However, there is a danger in this single perspective. The hereditary and genealogical perspective is also forward looking, a perspective of that is to come.
This is both in the literal (genealogical) and contextual sense. Even from the perspective pointed in the past, heredity is not static. The passing of traits is a creative process. Identity is creative in both the past and into the future. For instance, the "Creek" Indian identity of the 1700s is not the same as the "Creek" identity today. The 1700s Creek did not experience the expulsion in the 1830s, nor the intermarriage of white colonists, black slaves (which some Creeks used for plantation labor) and other native Indians. Claudio Saunt, in Black, White, and Indian declares that "Too often, we stand at the crown of a branching family tree and trace our ancestors back to a single trunk of sturdy and supposedly pure stock... A more revealing exercise would place us at the base of the tree and follow the branges of our ancesters back in time as they divide and subdivide, finally encompassing all other forebears... The revelation of a national family tree would dissolve the racial divisions... The revelation might persuade Americans to abandon the idea of race altogether" (Saunt, p. 29).There is a commonplace tendency to demarcate identity through hereditary legacy.
Further complicating this picture is the forward looking perspective of heredity. The current generation passes on traits to future generations, one that cannot be exactly identical both in genealogy, as well as the social construction of reality. The social construction of reality is an ongoing process, just as is the passing of genetic traits. Under this scope, heritage can no longer be treated as a static being, because there is a continuous addition and subtraction, constriction and expansion of heritage as it progresses through time. Identity, then, cannot be treated as static.
This comes to my final point--global citizenship. Under the assumption that identity would need to be fluid as it changes and recreates itself, the process/progress of global citizenship would need to be equally fluid. Treating it statically would equally undermine the heritage of its past, and its hereditary future.
I was a victim of bullying in elementary school. This is the first time I can remember that I had so much self-loathing in my life. I was only 6 or 7 years old, but it left a recognizable mark on my life. Last week, as I was saturated in thought and self-loathing, I ended my 1.5 hours of daimoku with no resolution and one essential question: when was the first time in my life I can remember harboring self-loathing, self-victimization and doubt in my life? The next day was Saturday, and as I was chanting, I realized that I never accepted and recognized that I was bullied. This denial and forced ignorance would become the seed of my negativity, and disbelief in my own self.
Saturday evening last week, for the first time I recognized that I was a victim, and that I was forgiving towards the aggressor, my next door neighbor and the tough one of the block. I was a victim, but that doesn't mean I still am the victim.
I may have broke once, but never again. I may have given in to my negativity, the "woe is me" yuck of life, but I can chose to grow. Even dead weeds can provide nutrition to future plants. I am at that stage for the first time. Now is the perfect time to give up faith in my self-loathing.
A lot of what I've been experiencing lately is due to grief. I never really understood the power grief can have on people, but it can be an agent for personal change, growth and motivation, or it can activate a lot of negative tendencies, habits and thoughts. Most of the time, it's both.
Since my grandmother's passing, I've taken stock on life and no longer find joy in constantly running around, because I hold doubts of what I am not accomplishing in my own life. Watching someone in their final moments in life, to have that strength, awakens much in life that, to put it frankly, no one can experience until they are at someone's bedside wishing them on to new journeys beyond this life. In my Buddhist practice, I understand that death is nothing but the starting point of future lives, future existences to help people and overcome suffering. At the same time, those who watch someone as they pass also begin new journeys. But if that journey begins with grief, it is as if beginning travels in the middle of the night. That darkness can motivate you to push farther than before, but the discomfort of the night can also overwhelm.
This trail is a trial. Trials really do define us. In those moments when I am overcome with grief, darkness comes about. Many times, I've been hanging out with my dear friends self-loathing, self-pity and doubt. And when I feel overwhelmed with things to do, especially Gakkai activities it seems, their voices become louder and present. Thanks. True friends indeed (sarcasm intended). I am thankful that I am no longer trying to pursue being at up to 10 meetings a week (with this new direction), because I would surely quit practicing if I continued while struggling with grief. This week, I had 7 straight days of activities, and I found myself back at the dark path of self-loathing and pity last night when I took the night off.
I once wrote that life is meant to be this difficult. And though that is true, grief has also become a motivator. Out of this, I've been able to cry, to share, to open my life up without limits to someone once more and of course also a benefit, to be healthy again. There is one person in particular, an ally whom I want in my corner every day of my life, who in the past 5 months has been ever-supportive, and I cannot thank her enough. She truly has been there, even when I feel like I am beating her with my own self-pity and self-loathing. I truly appreciate anyone who can take time to take the punches of self-pity, doubt and loathing I possess. Megmeg bacalao, you are a treasure. Even as I attempt to support others in faith and practice, you are the one to keep me in check. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
And so, I head into a weekend chock full of activities, but I know that this grief is meant to unravel life. But sometimes, life unraveling is life revealing what is good. These moments then are nothing more than "casting off the transient and revealing the true."
With the ever-expansive "indie" scene, and with the birth, and rise of independent labels, for the first time in a long time, I've felt that there have been a string of good years for music. Recently, I am coming across more satisfying music due to the diverse availability of music. If this is a rhythm in pop music history, I hope that this upswing doesn't recede anytime soon.
It was in the 1950s and 1960s that a boom occurred. What I consider the original modern independent labels in America (Atlantic, Motown, etc) brought much change to the music-scape of Post-War America. Motown brought new sounds in soul and R&B, while Atlantic also invested in to Rock n' Roll, Jazz, and Country/Western. Without these efforts, bands and artists would have produced a different era in music. Without Motown, R&B would not be what it is today. Without Atlantic, Jazz, Country and Rock would not be what it is today. Can you imagine a world without the impact of the Temptations, the Supremes, the Jackson 5, Marvin, Stevie, Smokey, Ray, Coltrane, Mingus, Otis, Ben E., among others? And all occurring before the era of record company acquisitions beginning in the late 1960's, until the mid-2000's.
That's why I cannot but think of their influence when I listen to Fitz & the Tantrums, AWOLNATION, Mumford & Sons and others at all times of the day. In Fitz, there's a modern attempt at an old sound once-discovered in a house in Detroit. In AWOLNATION, there is the exploration of sound and rock found in the halls of New York, and Mumford & Sons takes us back to the spirit of Nashville. All of these efforts are allusions to what I consider the golden era of pop music. The mid-century gave a broad spectrum in the form of popular music, and when the industry turned to acquisition over creativity, that energy, though dormant for 40 years, gave rise to a generation where indie records out-pace any major record company's efforts to contain this indie phenomenon. So, to the musicians coming out today, not found in the Gaga's or Perry's, but in the corners of houses, padded with egg-carton soundproofing, your work always has the potential for a new golden age of pop music.
Am I willing to be lonely if that is my mission of the moment?
Am I willing to sacrifice the comfort of keeping in touch with a group of friends for the sake of one other person's well being?
Am I the one who commits to a decision? If I make a vow, can I live up to it? Can I return quickly if I sway from it?
Why do I continue when I don't know where I'm going?
Why do I do things others ask of me, even if I am on the last threads of patience, effort, energy and compassion?
Do I confuse stress with apathy? When I'm overstressed, do I become apathetic?
Each of these questions, and more are emerging from my writing in my journal. Had I not experienced my grandmother's passing, I would not know the answers to these questions. If I experienced this later, though I may find the same answers, the experiences in between would have been totally different. For that, I've learned much about life. Thank you again, obaachan!
Six days ago, my grandmother passed away at the 86 years of age. Going through the spectrum of emotions, I celebrate my birthday today with the bittersweet taste of life's toil. After work, I picked up her ashes with my dad in tow, and we welcomed her home one more time.
My grandmother lived with my parents before my own birth. She came to America in 1967, not knowing a word of English, and possessing a limited education from the times of the Japanese imperialist wars of the 1930s and 1940s. During my life, my grandmother became my second mother, offering comfort and guidance, encouragement and wisdom. Though today may be a bittersweet birthday, my grandma gave me this opportunity to express myself.
I am forever fortunate to be present in the autumn and winter of her life. In these years, she displayed the ever-present challenge of obstacles and strife, and how one directs and defines life's victories. Perplexed by what defines a "unique mission" that only I could fulfill, I returned to Colorado in 2008 intending to forgo chasing my dreams of the moment to support my grandmother.
I came back in September 2008, right when Bear Stearns and Lehmann Brothers collapsed, beginning the market collapse and punctuated the end of good times, and began the largest downturn I will probably experience in my lifetime. My initial intention to return home was to ensure that she saw her final dream come true--watching Eric graduate, signaling that her three grandsons completed Soka University of America. However, when I was in the job hunt, I had amazing opportunities to support my grandmother. My best conversations with her were when we chanted together and when I drove her to the bank, pharmacy or grocery store. I got her hooked on my favorite song when I played it on the car stereo, and she got me to listen to music I never heard. And though in May 2009, with Eric graduating Soka, I could have moved on to chase my own dreams, I realized that I had more to contribute to my grandmother’s life. In order to support her dream come full circle, I needed to do something in return to show appreciation for what she provided before she passed away. I forwent pursuing my dreams once more in order to support her. This entailed that I made a decision for my "mission" - to support my grandmother in the waning years of her life.
2009 and 2010 quickly became the most difficult and taxing years of my life. Many times, I wanted to do something else and begin accomplishing my own dreams. However, every time I tried focusing on something else, her condition would bring me back to my mission. My grandmother suffered a heart attack on September 19, 2009. The doctors gave her only a 20% chance to live through the night. And yet, my grandma rode on that 20% chance, leading to her eventual, though not a complete recovery.
With her heart function reduced to 35% of normal, she continued to live for 472 days after her heart attack. This feat alone inspires me. Nichiren wrote that, “one day of life is more valuable than all the treasures of the major world system, so first you must muster sincere faith” (WND-1, p. 955). My grandmother then illustrated this purest form of faith in her final 472 days. I had 472 days to find new reasons to love my grandma, 472 days to see her struggles with health, anxiety, depression and negativity. Even in her state towards the end of her battle, I knew that she overcame all that was holding her back. After her heart attack, there were days when she would say that she wished she were dead already, and others when she would say that she feared death. In her final days, I could see that fear and anxiety melt away on her face. That's how I know she passed away victorious.
Preparing for her passing, and now with her physically gone, I felt taxed of energy. But I gained experiences that I was naive to and would continue to be had I not chosen to come back home. Edward R. Murrow noted in 1954 that people "can escape our heritage and our history, but we cannot escape the responsibility of the result" (See It Now, March 9, 1954). Even when I tried to escape my heritage, everything pointed me back to my mission to support my grandmother.
Today is my birthday. But today is also when I welcome my grandmother home. おばあちゃん ありがとう！
I have much more to say about my grandmother, but the greatest thing I can say is that her homecoming now is the best gift I received today.
And to those who’ve reached out since her passing, I cannot thank you enough. I wish she was here to celebrate. But I she gave me her entire life and I carry that as a responsibility and not a burden.
Life is meant to be this difficult. This is my greatest realization. In many ways, I felt unprepared for the realities found in this age--defined by my abilities, qualities, skill sets and responsibilities. In many ways, I was not ready to grow up. But with the drastic changes needed in troubled times comes the added feelings of survival. The politico-socio-financial oligarchy are the rare persons who may feel secure of their status. And yet, number crunchers and statisticians will agree that the only thing with 100% assurance of occurring is our passing. That is the bitter and unavoidable destiny of life.
So, why live? If life is finite, then why do we bother setting out to accomplish much? In effect, as President Ikeda asks of us who live in the 21st century, what is the purpose of life? In Buddhism, we find that our life is just as the ocean ebbs and flows, a rhythm of the cosmos. It is this same rhythm that we tap into that allows us the ability to accomplish what we set out to do. The rhythm of the four seasons, of life and death, of war and peace and of cause and effect, these aspects of the Mystic Law allow us to better understand the inner functions of the universe. But we still have not explicitly answered the question, what is the purpose of death. President Ikeda states time and again that the purpose of life is to BE happy. I like to clarify here that the purpose is to be happy, not to become happy sometime in the future. Even in the dusk of life's winter, we can be happy. And even in death, we hold a mission of cosmic enormity.
With Masako's passing, I realized that we carry a unique mission that pervades far beyond any one lifetime. Masako continues to encourage me, even though she may not be physically present.
The purpose of life is to be happy. The purpose of death is equal; in life and death, we must be equally happy.
It is in the difficult times that we must find our obligations. In the film "Finding Forrester", at the narrative pinnacle, Sean Connery's William Forrester reads some awe-inspiring, but unfinished words, illustrating that, "Losing family obliges us to find our family; not always the family that is our blood but the family that can become our blood. Should we have the wisdom to open our door to this new family, we will find that the wishes we had for the father, who once guided us, for the brother who once inspired us..." and for the sister, who once cheered for us, actually continue to do so well beyond their life. I have found those whom I now consider my blood. But I want to include more into this family. Once more, I want to possess the wisdom to open the door to a new family.
I've been listening to this song a lot lately, from a Fort Collins local band. It's been an interesting listen.
It started when I heard them on the local radio station, doing an acoustic version. The lead singer explained that the antecedent story to the song was this quote, stated by someone familiar to the band: "Some people indefinitely wait to live life." At times, I've felt that I've been one of those people, indefinitely and conditionally waiting to life life. Now is the time to wake up and stop waiting for something good to happen. I've been resting on my fortune my entire life. once more, I've got to stop waiting.
This past weekend, my grandmother, after two and a half weeks bedridden and confined to her hospital and physical rehab rooms was able to walk. Albeit with the aid of a walker, her mobility returned in quiet fashion. I hope that I can show compassion towards her. There is an old saying from Japanese samurai: when you win the battle, tighten your chin strap.
I do not like where I am now with my grandma's situation. Specifically, I don't like the fact that I have to skulk the line between supporting her and cheering her on, and being strict with her when she becomes demanding. Yes, she must learn to be independent more than ever. Yes, she must defeat the devil of illness on her own. Even when she is in pain, I encourage her to do everything on her own. Otherwise, when she returns home, all she will do is lie around and give in. But, it's also easy for me to respond to her with my own F.D. Slinking and skulking around this minefield becomes tiresome. Then, it is up to me to reinvigorate myself, and find the joy of supporting my grandma, to cheer her on as she takes every step.
The most difficult thing is now that I have a lot more responsibility, I can't spend too much time with my grandma. If I let my responsibilities slip, at work or in the gakkai, I am done. I don't want to give up anything, but if I constantly tire myself out, this will become a dangerous situation for me, risking job, life and activities. There have been times recently where I feel like I am at the precipice of a mental, emotional breakdown. I can feel my body reacting to the sleep time lost, the continual efforts of using my hands and the apathy that brews and quells thousands of times in a day.
Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I sat outside, in the winter air, staring at the gibbous moon, conversing with nature. Finding myself awakened by the presence of the stars, I refreshed my determination. I want to grow in every direction of my life. I feel like a bean; I've expanded my life into many directions but fail to take side steps of growth. Beans are just seeds for further growth. Just as the sun shines on the cold and rigid walls of towers scratching the skies, does it not also shine on the unseen seeds deep within the fertile soil, and into the darkest crevasses of the human heart. The sun rises and sets in the valleys as well as the peaks.
For me, life is limited when I grow frustrated. When I hear the deathly silence of the whistling plains, I grow frustrated. And to my own error, sometimes my friendships feel as if I am standing on the plains, with a breeze that whistles, unchanging, yet unbowing to my presence. This friction is expected I guess, as an immovable object meets an unstoppable force. Inactivity only causes friction is what I am trying to express.
With that in mind, let me share with you my last couple of weeks. On the day of my return from FNCC from the Sokahan conference, I was met with a lot of DK6 (Devil King of the 6th Heaven), manifesting in strangers around me. People visibly and expressibly upset by flight cancellations, overbooked flights, overall mass confusion and anger, and a general lack of common sense. From the one lady who go up mid-landing in Houston to pick up an item that launched itself 10 rows ahead in the plane and proceeded to have a verbal confrontation with the flight attendants as the plane's wheels touched down, and taxied to the gate, to the one mother at Houston's gate C20 who verbally berated and lightly injured her eldest son (who was acting up) by twisting his arm as she pulled him closer to her body, DK6 manifested in these people, understanding well that the Byakuren, Sokahan, Gajokai Conference was the first conference where I left feeling uneasy due to the nature of how much human revolution I had to endure just to leave Florida. As I expressed to my fellow Central Territory Byakuren, Sokahan and Gajokai comrades, this is the first conference where I've left feeling uneasy, but with a true sense of mission. There was no FNCC high to ride on when I returned.
My most recent frustration has been with my grandmother's current situation.
Prom April 2004
My grandmother returned to the hospital this past Sunday, with serious bleeding from her GI tract. It was not until Wednesday the doctors figured out the source of her bleeding, a benign polyp in her intestine ruptured a vein by applying significant pressure. It is not her health, or her current physical state that I've grown frustrated with. I am doing my best to support her everyday. It is, for the first time in my life, that I've seen her respond to me with her own FD (Fundamental Darkness) and specifically with DK6 arising in how she treats me. In the past two days, every time that I reach out and talk to her, she responds with "shut up!" or 「だまって!」. My frustration is born where I want to rid her of her battle with the devil of illness. I want to help her, but I feel so helpless. I know that if I respond to her devil, I will do so out of my DK6 manifesting. I burden myself with challenging to overcome my own DK6 and her DK6.
Honestly, I have never felt this tested in my own faith. Just saying this frustrates me, because I believe that I should already possess the strength to overcome this. In my own head, I can say, "obaachan has gone through this already with her heart attack (in September 2009). I should be fine because I handled myself fine during that trying time." Yet, my DK6 and her DK6 are manifesting at a stronger level, that this attitude won't suffice. Ultimately, it is because of this lax attitude that I become perpetually more frustrated. It is also because of this attitude that I've been a bad friend, because I know I haven't done enough to reach out to those who I can truly rely and are willing to support me. There are some that I haven't even reached out yet. And to those who have reached out already, I committedly thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Regardless, this is the perfect opportunity to do my human revolution.
I also know that I must have greater appreciation. The doctor in 2009 truly thought my grandmother was going to die that night. Instead, she has prolonged her life for more than 1 year and 1 month. What an amazing feat! "Life is the most precious of all treasures. Even one extra day of life is worth more than ten million ryo of gold...One day of life is more valuable than all the treasures of the major world system, so first you must muster sincere faith." (WND-1, pp. 955). Regardless if my grandmother can or can't muster the faith, it is up to mine to battle this final devil in her life. And with that, I must head to the hospital. I thank you all again, and I look to update here more frequently.
If I am truly to be the author of my own life, in my own creativity, then today serves as a new page yet to be written. Today, I was appointed the region YMD leader, and I have much anxiety and anticipation to get into the thick of things. Today, I must carefully advance the words on my page. The oneness of mentor and disciple is to make a vow AND to do everything to protect it. This is my promise. This is my commitment. And from that, I will guide the pen strokes of my page yet to be written.
I look forward to this opportunity. I look forward towards human revolution in a new direction, in all directions. I recognize that I will be dealing with a lot of moving parts, and I must be ready to step in without hesitation.
