A lot of what I've been experiencing lately is due to grief. I never really understood the power grief can have on people, but it can be an agent for personal change, growth and motivation, or it can activate a lot of negative tendencies, habits and thoughts. Most of the time, it's both.
Since my grandmother's passing, I've taken stock on life and no longer find joy in constantly running around, because I hold doubts of what I am not accomplishing in my own life. Watching someone in their final moments in life, to have that strength, awakens much in life that, to put it frankly, no one can experience until they are at someone's bedside wishing them on to new journeys beyond this life. In my Buddhist practice, I understand that death is nothing but the starting point of future lives, future existences to help people and overcome suffering. At the same time, those who watch someone as they pass also begin new journeys. But if that journey begins with grief, it is as if beginning travels in the middle of the night. That darkness can motivate you to push farther than before, but the discomfort of the night can also overwhelm.
This trail is a trial. Trials really do define us. In those moments when I am overcome with grief, darkness comes about. Many times, I've been hanging out with my dear friends self-loathing, self-pity and doubt. And when I feel overwhelmed with things to do, especially Gakkai activities it seems, their voices become louder and present. Thanks. True friends indeed (sarcasm intended). I am thankful that I am no longer trying to pursue being at up to 10 meetings a week (with this new direction), because I would surely quit practicing if I continued while struggling with grief. This week, I had 7 straight days of activities, and I found myself back at the dark path of self-loathing and pity last night when I took the night off.
I once wrote that life is meant to be this difficult. And though that is true, grief has also become a motivator. Out of this, I've been able to cry, to share, to open my life up without limits to someone once more and of course also a benefit, to be healthy again. There is one person in particular, an ally whom I want in my corner every day of my life, who in the past 5 months has been ever-supportive, and I cannot thank her enough. She truly has been there, even when I feel like I am beating her with my own self-pity and self-loathing. I truly appreciate anyone who can take time to take the punches of self-pity, doubt and loathing I possess. Megmeg bacalao, you are a treasure. Even as I attempt to support others in faith and practice, you are the one to keep me in check. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
And so, I head into a weekend chock full of activities, but I know that this grief is meant to unravel life. But sometimes, life unraveling is life revealing what is good. These moments then are nothing more than "casting off the transient and revealing the true."
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
American Music
With the ever-expansive "indie" scene, and with the birth, and rise of independent labels, for the first time in a long time, I've felt that there have been a string of good years for music. Recently, I am coming across more satisfying music due to the diverse availability of music. If this is a rhythm in pop music history, I hope that this upswing doesn't recede anytime soon.
It was in the 1950s and 1960s that a boom occurred. What I consider the original modern independent labels in America (Atlantic, Motown, etc) brought much change to the music-scape of Post-War America. Motown brought new sounds in soul and R&B, while Atlantic also invested in to Rock n' Roll, Jazz, and Country/Western. Without these efforts, bands and artists would have produced a different era in music. Without Motown, R&B would not be what it is today. Without Atlantic, Jazz, Country and Rock would not be what it is today. Can you imagine a world without the impact of the Temptations, the Supremes, the Jackson 5, Marvin, Stevie, Smokey, Ray, Coltrane, Mingus, Otis, Ben E., among others? And all occurring before the era of record company acquisitions beginning in the late 1960's, until the mid-2000's.
That's why I cannot but think of their influence when I listen to Fitz & the Tantrums, AWOLNATION, Mumford & Sons and others at all times of the day. In Fitz, there's a modern attempt at an old sound once-discovered in a house in Detroit. In AWOLNATION, there is the exploration of sound and rock found in the halls of New York, and Mumford & Sons takes us back to the spirit of Nashville. All of these efforts are allusions to what I consider the golden era of pop music. The mid-century gave a broad spectrum in the form of popular music, and when the industry turned to acquisition over creativity, that energy, though dormant for 40 years, gave rise to a generation where indie records out-pace any major record company's efforts to contain this indie phenomenon. So, to the musicians coming out today, not found in the Gaga's or Perry's, but in the corners of houses, padded with egg-carton soundproofing, your work always has the potential for a new golden age of pop music.
It was in the 1950s and 1960s that a boom occurred. What I consider the original modern independent labels in America (Atlantic, Motown, etc) brought much change to the music-scape of Post-War America. Motown brought new sounds in soul and R&B, while Atlantic also invested in to Rock n' Roll, Jazz, and Country/Western. Without these efforts, bands and artists would have produced a different era in music. Without Motown, R&B would not be what it is today. Without Atlantic, Jazz, Country and Rock would not be what it is today. Can you imagine a world without the impact of the Temptations, the Supremes, the Jackson 5, Marvin, Stevie, Smokey, Ray, Coltrane, Mingus, Otis, Ben E., among others? And all occurring before the era of record company acquisitions beginning in the late 1960's, until the mid-2000's.
That's why I cannot but think of their influence when I listen to Fitz & the Tantrums, AWOLNATION, Mumford & Sons and others at all times of the day. In Fitz, there's a modern attempt at an old sound once-discovered in a house in Detroit. In AWOLNATION, there is the exploration of sound and rock found in the halls of New York, and Mumford & Sons takes us back to the spirit of Nashville. All of these efforts are allusions to what I consider the golden era of pop music. The mid-century gave a broad spectrum in the form of popular music, and when the industry turned to acquisition over creativity, that energy, though dormant for 40 years, gave rise to a generation where indie records out-pace any major record company's efforts to contain this indie phenomenon. So, to the musicians coming out today, not found in the Gaga's or Perry's, but in the corners of houses, padded with egg-carton soundproofing, your work always has the potential for a new golden age of pop music.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
reflection on my last post
Am I willing to be lonely if that is my mission of the moment?
Am I willing to sacrifice the comfort of keeping in touch with a group of friends for the sake of one other person's well being?
Am I the one who commits to a decision? If I make a vow, can I live up to it? Can I return quickly if I sway from it?
Why do I continue when I don't know where I'm going?
Why do I do things others ask of me, even if I am on the last threads of patience, effort, energy and compassion?
Do I confuse stress with apathy? When I'm overstressed, do I become apathetic?
Each of these questions, and more are emerging from my writing in my journal. Had I not experienced my grandmother's passing, I would not know the answers to these questions. If I experienced this later, though I may find the same answers, the experiences in between would have been totally different. For that, I've learned much about life. Thank you again, obaachan!
Am I willing to sacrifice the comfort of keeping in touch with a group of friends for the sake of one other person's well being?
Am I the one who commits to a decision? If I make a vow, can I live up to it? Can I return quickly if I sway from it?
Why do I continue when I don't know where I'm going?
Why do I do things others ask of me, even if I am on the last threads of patience, effort, energy and compassion?
Do I confuse stress with apathy? When I'm overstressed, do I become apathetic?
Each of these questions, and more are emerging from my writing in my journal. Had I not experienced my grandmother's passing, I would not know the answers to these questions. If I experienced this later, though I may find the same answers, the experiences in between would have been totally different. For that, I've learned much about life. Thank you again, obaachan!
Monday, January 10, 2011
A bittersweet birthday
Kana Uemura - Toire No Kamisama
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Six days ago, my grandmother passed away at the 86 years of age. Going through the spectrum of emotions, I celebrate my birthday today with the bittersweet taste of life's toil. After work, I picked up her ashes with my dad in tow, and we welcomed her home one more time.
My grandmother lived with my parents before my own birth. She came to America in 1967, not knowing a word of English, and possessing a limited education from the times of the Japanese imperialist wars of the 1930s and 1940s. During my life, my grandmother became my second mother, offering comfort and guidance, encouragement and wisdom. Though today may be a bittersweet birthday, my grandma gave me this opportunity to express myself.
I am forever fortunate to be present in the autumn and winter of her life. In these years, she displayed the ever-present challenge of obstacles and strife, and how one directs and defines life's victories. Perplexed by what defines a "unique mission" that only I could fulfill, I returned to Colorado in 2008 intending to forgo chasing my dreams of the moment to support my grandmother.
I came back in September 2008, right when Bear Stearns and Lehmann Brothers collapsed, beginning the market collapse and punctuated the end of good times, and began the largest downturn I will probably experience in my lifetime. My initial intention to return home was to ensure that she saw her final dream come true--watching Eric graduate, signaling that her three grandsons completed Soka University of America. However, when I was in the job hunt, I had amazing opportunities to support my grandmother. My best conversations with her were when we chanted together and when I drove her to the bank, pharmacy or grocery store. I got her hooked on my favorite song when I played it on the car stereo, and she got me to listen to music I never heard. And though in May 2009, with Eric graduating Soka, I could have moved on to chase my own dreams, I realized that I had more to contribute to my grandmother’s life. In order to support her dream come full circle, I needed to do something in return to show appreciation for what she provided before she passed away. I forwent pursuing my dreams once more in order to support her. This entailed that I made a decision for my "mission" - to support my grandmother in the waning years of her life.
2009 and 2010 quickly became the most difficult and taxing years of my life. Many times, I wanted to do something else and begin accomplishing my own dreams. However, every time I tried focusing on something else, her condition would bring me back to my mission. My grandmother suffered a heart attack on September 19, 2009. The doctors gave her only a 20% chance to live through the night. And yet, my grandma rode on that 20% chance, leading to her eventual, though not a complete recovery.
With her heart function reduced to 35% of normal, she continued to live for 472 days after her heart attack. This feat alone inspires me. Nichiren wrote that, “one day of life is more valuable than all the treasures of the major world system, so first you must muster sincere faith” (WND-1, p. 955). My grandmother then illustrated this purest form of faith in her final 472 days. I had 472 days to find new reasons to love my grandma, 472 days to see her struggles with health, anxiety, depression and negativity. Even in her state towards the end of her battle, I knew that she overcame all that was holding her back. After her heart attack, there were days when she would say that she wished she were dead already, and others when she would say that she feared death. In her final days, I could see that fear and anxiety melt away on her face. That's how I know she passed away victorious.
Preparing for her passing, and now with her physically gone, I felt taxed of energy. But I gained experiences that I was naive to and would continue to be had I not chosen to come back home. Edward R. Murrow noted in 1954 that people "can escape our heritage and our history, but we cannot escape the responsibility of the result" (See It Now, March 9, 1954). Even when I tried to escape my heritage, everything pointed me back to my mission to support my grandmother.
Today is my birthday. But today is also when I welcome my grandmother home. おばあちゃん ありがとう！
I have much more to say about my grandmother, but the greatest thing I can say is that her homecoming now is the best gift I received today.
And to those who’ve reached out since her passing, I cannot thank you enough. I wish she was here to celebrate. But I she gave me her entire life and I carry that as a responsibility and not a burden.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Shoulda coulda...
Life is meant to be this difficult. This is my greatest realization. In many ways, I felt unprepared for the realities found in this age--defined by my abilities, qualities, skill sets and responsibilities. In many ways, I was not ready to grow up. But with the drastic changes needed in troubled times comes the added feelings of survival. The politico-socio-financial oligarchy are the rare persons who may feel secure of their status. And yet, number crunchers and statisticians will agree that the only thing with 100% assurance of occurring is our passing. That is the bitter and unavoidable destiny of life.
So, why live? If life is finite, then why do we bother setting out to accomplish much? In effect, as President Ikeda asks of us who live in the 21st century, what is the purpose of life? In Buddhism, we find that our life is just as the ocean ebbs and flows, a rhythm of the cosmos. It is this same rhythm that we tap into that allows us the ability to accomplish what we set out to do. The rhythm of the four seasons, of life and death, of war and peace and of cause and effect, these aspects of the Mystic Law allow us to better understand the inner functions of the universe. But we still have not explicitly answered the question, what is the purpose of death. President Ikeda states time and again that the purpose of life is to BE happy. I like to clarify here that the purpose is to be happy, not to become happy sometime in the future. Even in the dusk of life's winter, we can be happy. And even in death, we hold a mission of cosmic enormity.
With Masako's passing, I realized that we carry a unique mission that pervades far beyond any one lifetime. Masako continues to encourage me, even though she may not be physically present.
The purpose of life is to be happy. The purpose of death is equal; in life and death, we must be equally happy.
It is in the difficult times that we must find our obligations. In the film "Finding Forrester", at the narrative pinnacle, Sean Connery's William Forrester reads some awe-inspiring, but unfinished words, illustrating that, "Losing family obliges us to find our family; not always the family that is our blood but the family that can become our blood. Should we have the wisdom to open our door to this new family, we will find that the wishes we had for the father, who once guided us, for the brother who once inspired us..." and for the sister, who once cheered for us, actually continue to do so well beyond their life. I have found those whom I now consider my blood. But I want to include more into this family. Once more, I want to possess the wisdom to open the door to a new family.
So, why live? If life is finite, then why do we bother setting out to accomplish much? In effect, as President Ikeda asks of us who live in the 21st century, what is the purpose of life? In Buddhism, we find that our life is just as the ocean ebbs and flows, a rhythm of the cosmos. It is this same rhythm that we tap into that allows us the ability to accomplish what we set out to do. The rhythm of the four seasons, of life and death, of war and peace and of cause and effect, these aspects of the Mystic Law allow us to better understand the inner functions of the universe. But we still have not explicitly answered the question, what is the purpose of death. President Ikeda states time and again that the purpose of life is to BE happy. I like to clarify here that the purpose is to be happy, not to become happy sometime in the future. Even in the dusk of life's winter, we can be happy. And even in death, we hold a mission of cosmic enormity.
With Masako's passing, I realized that we carry a unique mission that pervades far beyond any one lifetime. Masako continues to encourage me, even though she may not be physically present.
The purpose of life is to be happy. The purpose of death is equal; in life and death, we must be equally happy.
It is in the difficult times that we must find our obligations. In the film "Finding Forrester", at the narrative pinnacle, Sean Connery's William Forrester reads some awe-inspiring, but unfinished words, illustrating that, "Losing family obliges us to find our family; not always the family that is our blood but the family that can become our blood. Should we have the wisdom to open our door to this new family, we will find that the wishes we had for the father, who once guided us, for the brother who once inspired us..." and for the sister, who once cheered for us, actually continue to do so well beyond their life. I have found those whom I now consider my blood. But I want to include more into this family. Once more, I want to possess the wisdom to open the door to a new family.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Strange life
I've been listening to this song a lot lately, from a Fort Collins local band. It's been an interesting listen.
It started when I heard them on the local radio station, doing an acoustic version. The lead singer explained that the antecedent story to the song was this quote, stated by someone familiar to the band: "Some people indefinitely wait to live life." At times, I've felt that I've been one of those people, indefinitely and conditionally waiting to life life. Now is the time to wake up and stop waiting for something good to happen. I've been resting on my fortune my entire life. once more, I've got to stop waiting.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Musing the muse
This past weekend, my grandmother, after two and a half weeks bedridden and confined to her hospital and physical rehab rooms was able to walk. Albeit with the aid of a walker, her mobility returned in quiet fashion. I hope that I can show compassion towards her. There is an old saying from Japanese samurai: when you win the battle, tighten your chin strap.
I do not like where I am now with my grandma's situation. Specifically, I don't like the fact that I have to skulk the line between supporting her and cheering her on, and being strict with her when she becomes demanding. Yes, she must learn to be independent more than ever. Yes, she must defeat the devil of illness on her own. Even when she is in pain, I encourage her to do everything on her own. Otherwise, when she returns home, all she will do is lie around and give in. But, it's also easy for me to respond to her with my own F.D. Slinking and skulking around this minefield becomes tiresome. Then, it is up to me to reinvigorate myself, and find the joy of supporting my grandma, to cheer her on as she takes every step.
The most difficult thing is now that I have a lot more responsibility, I can't spend too much time with my grandma. If I let my responsibilities slip, at work or in the gakkai, I am done. I don't want to give up anything, but if I constantly tire myself out, this will become a dangerous situation for me, risking job, life and activities. There have been times recently where I feel like I am at the precipice of a mental, emotional breakdown. I can feel my body reacting to the sleep time lost, the continual efforts of using my hands and the apathy that brews and quells thousands of times in a day.
Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I sat outside, in the winter air, staring at the gibbous moon, conversing with nature. Finding myself awakened by the presence of the stars, I refreshed my determination. I want to grow in every direction of my life. I feel like a bean; I've expanded my life into many directions but fail to take side steps of growth. Beans are just seeds for further growth. Just as the sun shines on the cold and rigid walls of towers scratching the skies, does it not also shine on the unseen seeds deep within the fertile soil, and into the darkest crevasses of the human heart. The sun rises and sets in the valleys as well as the peaks.
Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I sat outside, in the winter air, staring at the gibbous moon, conversing with nature. Finding myself awakened by the presence of the stars, I refreshed my determination. I want to grow in every direction of my life. I feel like a bean; I've expanded my life into many directions but fail to take side steps of growth. Beans are just seeds for further growth. Just as the sun shines on the cold and rigid walls of towers scratching the skies, does it not also shine on the unseen seeds deep within the fertile soil, and into the darkest crevasses of the human heart. The sun rises and sets in the valleys as well as the peaks.
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