I was a victim of bullying in elementary school. This is the first time I can remember that I had so much self-loathing in my life. I was only 6 or 7 years old, but it left a recognizable mark on my life. Last week, as I was saturated in thought and self-loathing, I ended my 1.5 hours of daimoku with no resolution and one essential question: when was the first time in my life I can remember harboring self-loathing, self-victimization and doubt in my life? The next day was Saturday, and as I was chanting, I realized that I never accepted and recognized that I was bullied. This denial and forced ignorance would become the seed of my negativity, and disbelief in my own self.
Saturday evening last week, for the first time I recognized that I was a victim, and that I was forgiving towards the aggressor, my next door neighbor and the tough one of the block. I was a victim, but that doesn't mean I still am the victim.
I may have broke once, but never again. I may have given in to my negativity, the "woe is me" yuck of life, but I can chose to grow. Even dead weeds can provide nutrition to future plants. I am at that stage for the first time. Now is the perfect time to give up faith in my self-loathing.
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